A Xanax Life; Or How I Learned to stop Worrying and Love The Calm

We are all screwed up. Yes, all of us. Our lives are usually moving at a million miles an hour, or we are stuck in a slow cycle of death and decay. . .ok, maybe not death, but we are decaying, all of us. Our resolve, our enthusiasm, our hopes, our dreams and our sports teams; we are not who we once were. The hell with that, we're not even who we hoped to be when we saddled ourselves (and our parents)with soul ripping debt, just so we can know more than some others and find a way into the system.  As bad a sentence as that was it's a fact that none of us are living up to our expectations anymore. And the question we have to ask ourselves is "what are you talking about and will you get to the point".

I'm an anxious person. Not all the time, but it's not difficult to ramp me up. In my 20's and 30's I was naturally calm, laid back and had feathers that never got ruffled. I worked in a job that the most seasoned cop hated to do. It was all at once then nothing and then all at once again. Yet through it all, I was able to handle it all. We all could, it was a less in your face world as it has become today. And yes. .there it is, I'm blaming the world. Bad world! Bad, bad naughty world!  The world is now at our doorsteps whether we want it there or not. Our worlds wake up hours before we do. We take a deep breath and then jump in. You can't ease into this world; the vortex grabs us anyway.  It's all we can do sometimes.   

I'm not saying that I'm an old coot and I just don't understand it all. Well. . .I do. With the exception of this little dog and pony show I write, this is as social as I get. I have no smartphone, I have no cell phone. I  have no tablet. I have no technology. Well, other than XM radio in the car, my Playstation and a two year old desktop. The point is. . I've slowed down the world. I read a newspaper in the morning, like I've done for 30 years. I take in the day with a cup of coffee and some music. I take the time to play my guitar. I've long ago left my dreams of being a rock star far behind and like some transcendental ethereal plane the guitar lifts me above and beyond and washes the intrusive world away. But not all of us can turn off. Not all of us can find any peace.

I took Xanax. I took lexapro, prozac, all sorts of mood altering drugs. Just like millions of Americans who believe they need a little help. I thought I needed to be in a "normal" state of mind. I was diagnosed and dosed. My psyche has been poked and prodded. I even let a trained professional ask me "and how does that make you feel?" once a week. In the end though, I realized I didn't need any of it.  I now find my own center, my own peace and while I still get uber-anxious now and again(especially driving behind any one of the 3,000 Buicks that litter this towns roads)I can look inside and know where I've been and who I am.  The world is still there. And no one's head's exploded because I didn't go on Facebook. I have not taken a selfie recently and I am still alive. No one knows anything that I don't want them to know about me and I don';t care about you or your vacation to FLorida. We used to have a private life, all of us. 

So. . . .what is the point of all this?  Ok, relax, drink tea, look out the window at birds, bake cookies, make a nice sauce, play guitar, think about nothing, think about paperclips, think about thinking.  Write a poem. . . be a nice person. . . just be.