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Health & Fitness

Clearing Away The Debris

Open up the dumpsters! Here comes a flowing stream of nothingness!

I am not a professional writer, but I do write all the time and over the last 20 years have accumulated a whole host of stories, movie scrips, sitcom scripts, bits of plays, bits of short stories and just a whole bunch of things that have no connection to each other. Every once in a while, I need to clear out the debris, open the attic doors and toss everything out. But sometimes, amid all the wreckage I manage to find something that could have been. . .well. . .something.  So here, while I work on Part 2 of North Haven, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, I offer these little bits of dusty brain matter to hold you over. Enjoy.

Ted was a mighty oak, Marie was a shrub. Circumstances have bound them together:

Marie: Ted. . . we can't go on like this any longer, my husband is beginning to suspect.

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Ted: But Marie. . you are the reason why I bloom. We can't end this now

Marie: Ted, we both knew this wouldn't last. You're an oak, me, a lowly shrub.

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Just then, a rustle in the underbrush behind them. Ted and Marie turn. It is his wife, Lily. . .of the Valley.

Lily: Ah!! I knew it!!!

Ted: It's not what it looks like my sweet!

Lily: I've put up with your little affairs , that Perenial flower, those Pointsettia twins and let's not forget that trampy Maple!  Good lord, I should have known then. . . there were acorns all over our bed!

And that was as far as I ever got with Ted, Marie and Lily.As I searched the deeper, darker parts of my brain, I found this:

Lt Bobby Macintyre was damaged goods.  He knew it, everyone knew it. Stuck on the midnight shift at The Haverbrook Police Department, he soon found a way to make the best of a bad situation.   He would put on his clown mask, grab his pepper spray and night stick and head to the cell areas. Yelling and banging the nightstick on the bars and the fingers of the prisoners he would go up and down the cell blocks.

"I'm Doctor Mac!  Bibby Mac! I am your worst nightmare!!!"    and prisoners would drop as the pepper spray filled their cells. 

"Someday I'll be the big cheese!!! The big cheese!"  He'd yell, in his crazed state. And then he would sit down and complain how if he was on the day shift, he'd be able to check out all the high school girls leaving the school. Yes. . Bobby Mac, damaged goods.

As my archaeology expidition continues, I found this little bit of flotsam.

SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!! COME SEE NITROUS BURNING FUNNY CARS RACE THROUGH THE GATES OF HELL!!! SUNDAY!!! HOLD ON TO YOUR BEER, THIS IS GONNA BE LOUD!!!

Years ago, I thought I was crazy. So, like most crazy people I decided to embrace the voices in my head.

VOICES: hey. . Steve. . . .

STEVE: Not now. . .

VOICES: No seriously, I gotta tell you something

STEVE: Look, leave me alone, you don't exist, Dr. Greenburg said so.

VOICES: Oh pish pash. . what does he know? He sleeps while you drone on and on. Now, when I talk, you should listen.

STEVE:  ok, ok. .look, if I listen to whatever it is you wanna tell me, will you go away?

VOICES: Yes. . .have I ever lied to you?

STEVE: Um, I don't know. Look, I'm not crazy.

VOICES:  Sure you are, ok then. Are you ready? This is big.

STEVE: Ok, go ahead.

VOICES: The gnomes in your bathtub are planning a takeover of the kitchen

STEVE: What?? What?? that's not possible, the elves already did that and even anexed the toaster.

And now, we come to my thoughts. . things that have often trotted into my mind then out again.

If I was 8 feet tall and had wings, I could fly to Walgreens. Get me some chips

Sarah the goat graduated Harvard that year. She was on her way.

Why can't I ever throw out a garbage can?  I mean, it's garbage after all.

Cheese-aholics Anonymous

"Hello, my name is Carl G"

"Hello Carl!"

"I. . . am a cheese-aholic. It started innocently enough, a bit of chedder here, perhaps some muenster. But then it just got out of control. I couldn't get enough. Gouda! Then Limberger! Then one day, I found myself at the lowest point of my life. I was in a bistro, spreading Camembert on my hands."

So, it appears that my mind is a little cleaner than before. But remember, we all need to do this, we all need to blow out the pipes, clear out the attics of our lives, throw away the strange, keep the good.  So close your eyes, lean back and clear out. 

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