I am often asked by various people this question: What color is the sky in your world? To which I reply that the sky is yellow, the sun blue. But it's not just the sky and the sun that are strange and bizarre. In my strange alien world there is a Republican party and here right on this page they will debate for you and for your vote. Now understand this is just comedy, a few yucks as it were. I do not endorse any political party (at least for this blog) despite the fact that I have been described as a liberal, a socialist or a hippie communist America hater. Well, regardless, we need to get on with it as our four hopefuls gather for their debates.
Moderator-I would like to start with opening statements from our candidates. Mr.Romney, you can go first.
Romney: Thank you. I just want everyone to know, everyone has amazing oppurtunities in this great land. If you're white and rich, the world is your Cadillac, of which my wife only has two. Thank you.
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Gingrich-Mr. Romney has one wife, Mr. Santorum has one wife, Mr. Paul? I don't know about that, but I have had numerous wives and mistresses so based on that, I win.
Paul-I don't even know why I'm here!
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Moderator: And Mr. Santorum?
Santorum: Evil!! Sex with farm animals! Unmarried homosexuals!!!! The Bible!! Family values! Obama is the Devil!!
Moderator: um. .yes. . . This question for everyone: The struggling middle-class...what are your plans to improve the economy? Mr. Romney
Romney: Let me tell you, I understand the struggles. Many years ago we were barely able to scrape up the $85,000 a year for our children at Whitebread Academy! I mean we were so desperate we actually listed Choate as our safety school!
Gingrich: I don't have the money! Do you? Who has the money? Mr. Romney pays $200 for a pair of socks. I buy KMart irregulars!
Paul: "When the New Money is imposed, every American family must have a Survival Kit of highly liquid, small-denomination silver and gold coins for hand-to-hand use." (-Ad for ‘The Original Famous Ron Paul Survival Kit,’ undated)
Moderator: And Mr.Santorum?
Santorum: The Bible says a chicken may not lay with a teenage unwed pregnant goat, but only if God deems the goat holy. That's why Jesus wants me to return this country back to those values! Values! The Bible! God says so!!
Moderator: What will each of you do about the high price of gas? Mr. Romney?
Romney: Yes, it is too high! For you! Last month we could only fill the jet with normal jet fuel, couldn't use the good stuff. And we could only fill two of our Cadillacs up with a full tank of gas. We had to leave the other 4 on the garage! So, I understand that gas is expensive. . . .for America. . well, parts of America.
Gingrich: I'm bringing back $2.00 gas to America! I'll say no more to high priced oil! I'll save the money by me personally coming out to your home or office and giving you a full tank of gas, pumped by me! Newt!
Paul: I never voted on that! What about my gas act! I won't vote on that at all! What else did I not vote on? Gas? Mr. Romney is a liberal!
Moderator: And finally, Mr. Santorum?
Santorum: When a woman fills the tank with gas, it says in the bible that is allowing all sorts of uncommon values coming into play! And if elected, the best birth control I will give to women is the word "No" ! That will make God happy!
Moderator: And finally gentlemen, please sum up why you should be president.
Romney: My ancestors came over on the Mayflower with nothing but the clothes on their backs, a little bit of food and a small family fortune. And I will do the same for America!
Gingrich: look at me! I'm the least insane! Romney wants to take your guns and all of your peach preserves! He's after your sweet marmalade! So we need to change our names, get another wife. .whatever it takes!
Paul: My laundry is clean...all my whites are white!
Santorum: Right now, in the bushes, in their immoral houses, sin is living and it's hugging it's wife. which the bible says allows for the entrance of unsafe and immoral values. Human life!!! Sacred voting fetus!! The Bible!! The Bible!!
Moderator: Thank you all gentlemen. That was truly insane.
